Navigating the Loss of a Pet
Vianna Schappach, LCSW discusses pet-related grief, what makes it unique, and how to cope with a loss.
Losing a pet is an incredibly emotional and vulnerable time. For many of us, our companion animals provide a sense of comfort, love, and connection. We value their unique personalities and the incredible joy they bring to our hearts.
Grieving this relationship and their role in our lives is a huge task, something that society often disregards. In reality, pet grief is a valid and real experience, something that deserves immense care and attention.
Validating Yourself
Although the loss of your pet is a distressing time, society's messages work to invalidate this. Many people think of pet loss as minor, something that should go away quickly or be replaced with a new furry friend. This is called disenfranchised grief, or a loss that society does not legitimize and value.
The reality of pet loss is very different from these messages. Research has shown that pet and human-related grief are equal in severity and intensity.
Take time to acknowledge the inherent flaws in society's mindset. Our pets have unique, special, unbreakable bonds with us. Losing this deserves time, attention, and patience to work through the myriad of emotions that come up. Whether it’s an overall pressure to grieve in a certain way or a lack of understanding from people in your life, take a moment to recognize the validity of your grief and meet these feelings with love and compassion.
Understanding Euthanasia
Some people who have lost a pet have experienced euthanasia as part of that process. In some cases, people doubt that euthanasia was the right decision. This is a very common experience for pet guardians as making this decision can feel like a lot of responsibility. Many people find themselves playing back the moments at the veterinary hospital before making this choice.
Veterinary hospitals can feel unfamiliar to you and your pet. This may leave you focused on the euthanasia decision and the moments before the passing of your pet. It’s important to recognize that euthanasia is unique to pet loss. It can be hard to understand and unpack.
Trust in your decision, your vet's advice, and the needs of your pet at that time. Know that you made the best, most loving decision possible. You put your pet's suffering before your own emotional needs and you’re left sorting through those feelings now.
Remind yourself that these emotions are very common and possible to work through. When feelings of doubt come up, try redirecting your attention to a positive memory with your pet. We want to focus on all of the beautiful love and gifts that they gave us and not only the moments of hardship.
Self-Care
No matter how you lost your pet, self-care is essential during the grieving process. When we grieve, we are actively processing and highly sensitive. It’s important to put yourself and your needs first during this time.
Although everyone defines self-care uniquely, there are six types of self-care to reflect on using. They include nutrition, physical activity, spiritual health, emotional well-being, social connection, and professional development or flexibility.
Although these buckets are broad, you define what self-care would be helpful for you day by day. For some, paying attention to nutritional needs might mean enjoying a pint of ice cream and watching TV. For others, this could mean eating a nutrient dense salad. Similarly, mental well-being might include going for a walk in nature or simply permitting yourself to take time to rest.
Just like grieving, there is no right way to engage in self-care. What’s important is that you pay extra attention to where you’re at and permit yourself to listen to your needs and wants.
Support
Spending time with other people can be a crucial part of grieving. When we lose a pet, it may not feel comfortable to share the depth of emotions we have about this. Despite that, it can be important to confide in friends, family, or other people who have gone through something similar.
Whether it’s merely spending time around other people you feel supported by or having an in-depth conversation about your loss, knowing that you are supported is essential. If people in your life don’t understand what you’re going through, there are groups and forums where people have shared their stories.
Veterinary Social Work Pet Loss Support Group
Bideawee Pet Loss Support Group
Sunday Pet Loss Support Chat Rooms
Allowing Sensitivity and Flexibility
After losing your pet you may notice a feeling that something is missing. If you spent every morning walking your dog or afternoon playing with your cat, it can be especially hard to navigate these times without them. Maybe you notice that a toy or water bowl brings up intense feelings of loss all over again. Recognize that this is a common occurrence in the grieving process.
Certain situations, items, or moments may remind you of your pet. Whatever your emotional response is, or is not, is valid and unique to you and your pet. Allow yourself to be more reactive to these reminders if that happens to you.
Try not to make decisions about your pet's items in the first few days or weeks after the loss. If it’s hard to look at them feel free to put them away. Allow yourself some time and grace before making these decisions.
If you have other pets at home, it may feel harder to connect with them during this time. Allow yourself flexibility in how much time you spend with them and how you feel about them. Some pets may notice and react to the loss in their own way. Recognize that this may bring up a variety of feelings. Soften any self-judgments and allow yourself to process your feelings with kindness.
Managing the Aftermath
There is no right or wrong way to grieve; grief is a unique and complex process for every individual. Many people experience significant mood shifts, may react strongly to reminders of their lost pet, and feel more vulnerable and raw during this time. Know that no pace or timeframe is better than another. What’s important is that you allow yourself to grieve on your own time, in your own way, and give yourself the grace that you deserve.
All of your emotions are valid during this time. For some, attending therapy can be a helpful way to process and navigate moving forward. This could involve a pet loss group or attending therapy with a clinician who understands disenfranchised grief. Whatever your process is, even if it involves nothing in this article, be kind to yourself and recognize the depth and validity of your loss.
Resources:
Risley-Curtiss, C., Holley, L., & Wolf, S. (2006). The Animal—Human Bond and Ethnic
Diversity. Social Work, 51(3), 257-268. Retrieved July 29, 2021, from http://www.jstor.org/stable/23721203
Yousuf-Abramson, S. (2021). Worden’s tasks of mourning through a social work lens. Journal of Social Work Practice, 35(4), 367–379.
Lavorgna, B. F., & Hutton, V. E. (2019). Grief severity: A comparison between human and
companion animal death. In Death Studies (Vol. 43, Issue 8, pp. 521–526).