Coping with Grief During the Holidays

Tiffany Bentley, LCSW provides information about how grief shows up during the holidays and how to best cope with the rollercoaster of emotions.

Holiday Grief

The holidays come with traditions and preconceived ideas of how we are supposed to celebrate, behave, and socialize. Holiday traditions can bring up the pain of loss, even years after a loss, and in turn, bring up mixed emotions from sadness to anger.

The most important thing you can do while grieving during the holidays is to give yourself permission to feel however you feel, acknowledge and accept your feelings and be gentle with yourself. Try not to push memories or feelings away. Grieving is working through feelings and emotions.

Internal Support

Create a holiday plan. Start by deciding if you can manage past responsibilities and expectations and then examine if you want to continue with those tasks and events. Remind yourself that this year is different; you are under no obligation to move forward with anything that does not serve you. 

Once you have determined what you can handle and what traditions you would like to continue, think up a plan that you can share with your support system. This may look like starting a new tradition to honor your loved one. It could be asking a family member to host the annual family brunch this year, or asking a friend to accompany you to an event that you would typically attend with your deceased loved one. 

Using your coping strategies can be very helpful, because we don’t stop grieving; we learn to live while grieving. If you don’t know what your coping strategies are, no problem! You can follow these same steps to help identify some skills and potentially find some new ones.

Start by making a list of things you like to do. Maybe the list will include things like taking a walk, listening to a particular album, spending time with a pet, or making a meal. Keep the list handy so you can continue to add things or take things off if they no longer apply. Keep in mind that there are both negative and positive coping strategies.

Think about your long-term goals and see if your coping strategies are in line with those. Remember to use things that are accessible to you. Consider the weather may change or general business hours of gyms or your favorite restaurant may differ based on their holiday schedule. 

“There is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays. You are in complete control of your plans as to what you will do during this time of the year.” 

— Richard Kauffman

External Support

The availability of external support may feel overwhelming with the many options out there, or underwhelming with not knowing which way to turn. 

A grief support group might be a great way to connect with people who understand your current situation. A support group is a good idea for someone who is ready to share with others and hear about their experiences as well.

If a support group doesn’t sound like the right fit for you, maybe you would be interested in individual support from 1:1 counseling or therapy. Individual therapy may be well suited for someone who is uncertain if they are ready to openly share their experience and are hoping for a more confidential conversation. You can learn more about if group therapy is right for you by visiting our blog titled “How to Get the Most Out of Group Therapy”.

If you would prefer to use the connections you already have, try building a contact list. Identify the people in your life who you feel comfortable reaching out to for support or distraction during the holidays. These can be family, friends, or professionals such as clergy, therapists, or group leaders.

Review your contact list and ask for help. Decide how they each can contribute. It’s okay to delegate responsibilities. There will be people who want to help and may offer their support.  Take them up on their offers. Sometimes people really want to help in any way they can, but they just may not know what to offer. By asking for help, you really are giving others a chance to support you; at the same time, you get some relief. Say yes to help. 

Communication is key

Plan ahead and communicate with the people about how you are planning on spending the holidays in advance. Set boundaries with people who want to give “advice” on how you “should” be doing things. 

You might find yourself in the not uncommon circumstance where people avoid talking about your loved one or tiptoe around stories where your loved one was present. This typically comes from not wanting to upset someone.

If you would like, and are ready to talk about your loved one and share stories, make it okay for yourself and others to do so. The people around you will follow your lead in these conversations. Be kind to yourself, and allow for challenges and mistakes for yourself and others. 

Be gentle with yourself

Grieving your loved one during the holidays is a very emotional and exhausting process, but it is part of your healing. Just know that there are no magical formulas to remove your suffering.

While you can’t choose how often or intensely you feel pain, you can choose how you will manage that pain during the holidays. You might think you will be fine, and all of a sudden something (a song, a smell, etc.) brings a flood of memories back. It’s okay to let yourself cry and change your plans if need be.

If you’re looking for a group or individual therapy, you can view our current offerings here, try Psychologytoday.com or Zencare.co for providers in your area.