My Partner is My Total Opposite
Yesenia Arroyo, LCSW on managing personality differences in relationships.
There are an unlimited combination of characteristics that make up all the unique individuals in the world. These characteristics are what make people who they are. Finding a person whose personality aligns with yours seems harder than one would hope.
When partners have different personalities, the expectation that one person is going to change their personality to align more closely with their partner’s for unlimited harmony becomes a challenge.
The expectation that your shy partner will be more outgoing because you take them to parties with you is unrealistic. If you expect your partner to be neater because you nag them about leaving their stuff everywhere, you’re setting yourself up for perpetual fights.
True issues arise when personality differences like tidiness, financial habits, hobbies, values, religion and day to day activities clash and create tension. Partners can’t agree or understand why the other person isn’t more like them.
Imagine playing a first-person video game where you have to build your character. You make your character; you dress them up to look like you, or you make someone with bright green skin and spiky pink hair. Some games have the option for you to create the personality of your character. This consists of you picking the traits you’d like them to have. The traits outlined can be funny, hardworking, academic, sneaky, talented, artistic, athletic, and so on.
Like these games, the human psyche develops in a spectrum especially when it comes to personality and how individuals behave.
The way our brains are wired, as well as the life events we experience, can have an influence on how our personalities develop, especially in childhood. The study of personality is a huge component of sociology, psychology, and human development.
The Big Five is a theory that explains the spectrums of characteristics that make up a person’s personality. The main categories of The Big Five can be remembered by the acronym OCEAN.
The Big FIVE personality Traits: OCEAN
· Openness (to experience)
· Conscientiousness (the quality of wishing to do one's work or duty well and thoroughly)
· Extraversion (Extraverts are more outgoing, Introverts are more shy)
· Agreeableness (ability to accept influence and go with the flow)
· Neuroticism (how you process and experience stress and anxiety)
Figure 1. The Big Five Personality Traits. Reprinted from PennState, by R. Gray, 2017
Opposites Attract
You have probably heard the saying “opposites attract” when it comes to the kind of partner you are looking for and who you get along with. People usually use this in context of hobbies and personal interests. Some people may be sports fans while their partner can’t stand sports, or they love to read while their partner loves to watch horror movies.
If you are a person who is more spontaneous but find it hard to keep a stable routine, you may enjoy the balance offered by a partner who is very structured and likes to plan. If you are a person that is shy and unable to return a wrong order you receive at a restaurant, it helps if your partner has no problem speaking up and advocating for your meal to be corrected.
These balances can help fill in gaps within experiences of the couple’s lives. This support can help couples gain confidence, foster independence, and increase self-esteem and self-value. Couples in balance may feel they can face anything that life can throw at them as a complete and well-rounded team.
Opposite traits can also cause some tension; if you are a neat person and your partner is more relaxed about their space, it can create a rift. It can be difficult to understand one another due to different communication styles, emotional openness and willingness to accept your partner’s perspective.
3 Tips for Managing Personality Conflicts in Relationships
According to Drs. Julie and John Gottman, who have completed over 40 years of research on romantic relationships, 69% of conflicts between partners are perpetual. This means that no matter who you and your partner are, there are going to be conflicts, and most of them will be due to personality differences, behavior interpretation and value systems.
The best tools to utilize when having difficulty with your partner are voicing your needs, accepting the perspective of your partner, and compromising with perpetual issues. Though it can be unfair and nearly impossible to expect someone to change key personality traits, there are ways to have more understanding of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships.
Tip 1: Voice Your Feelings, Needs, and Expectations
Like many things within our lives, a relationship can become mundane with the same person, same routines, same fights. The number one thing you can do when you’re feeling like you’re stuck is to voice your needs.
It can be difficult to communicate openly, especially when something leads to a fight. No matter how hard it may seem or turn out, each partner must be able to voice their feelings and needs without fear of judgment, retaliation or dismissal. Creating an atmosphere where each person gets a chance to state their feelings and needs regarding a conflict (especially about a personality trait) is very important.
Set aside a time each week/day for having tough conversations and addressing any feelings you may be having regarding a certain behavior or personality trait that is making you uncomfortable, or frustrated. Making the space to have open conversations is half the battle.
Tip 2: Take the Time to Understand your Partner’s Perspective
To be open and honest, you must also be receptive and put in the work to understand your partner’s perspective. It’s not enough for each person to rant and vent their frustrations with one another; they have to be open to hearing what their partner is saying, and understanding why this is important to them.
If you are very outgoing and your partner isn’t, it is okay to say, “ I enjoy spending time with you outside our home. I love your company and enjoy things out in the community. It means more to me that you can be there too.”
However, you must understand why your partner may get frustrated with having to be out and about repeatedly, and be open to hearing their perspective. Understanding your partner and their personality is key to having better connection and better experiences.
Tip 3: COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE
Compromise is a skill that is the foundation of many successful relationships. For each partner to feel they are able to be genuinely themselves, compromise must be reached for most all personality conflicts. Everyone has their vision of how they would like their life to go; unfortunately, not everyone can get 100% of what they want 100% of the time.
The key to compromise is the honest communication and understanding of perspectives. To have a healthy relationship, each partner must practice flexibility when unable to agree. Though 50/50 compromises are idealized, it’s very unlikely that everything in your relationship will be evenly compromised- its about finding which areas you are okay with having more flexibility around.
Meeting your partner in the middle can mean being more uncomfortable in some situations, and not needing to compromise at all in other situations.
For example, suppose your significant other has a strong relationship with their family. They want to have extended family dinners once a week with you, and though it’s not your favorite activity, you agree to attend dinner three times per month. Your partner has their weekly family time and you still get some time for yourself.
Compromise shouldn’t be one partner giving up everything or losing all the battles- that leads us to issues with control. Compromise, though often unequal, should feel as equal as you are both comfortable with, and that all comes with the communication and understanding of one another.
The important thing to remember is that you and your partner are in a relationship because there are aspects that you like and love about one another. We shouldn’t try and shape someone into the perfect partner, but allow an open mind and heart for both individuals to grow into their relationship.
Relationships can only thrive if there is an open level of communication for each person to be heard, feel seen and be accepted.
Disclaimer: Couple’s therapy is not appropriate for partners in a chronic abusive and physically violent home environment. Anyone experiencing chronic domestic violence is urged to reach out and tell someone. Nobody should be harmed by someone, especially a person that is supposed to love them. Please Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or via https://www.thehotline.org/ or Text “START” to 88788 for more information and resources for support exiting an abusive environment
References
Asselmann, E. & Specht, J. (2020). Taking the ups and downs at the rollercoaster of love: Associations between major relationship events and the Big Five personality traits. Developmental Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev000104
Lim, A (2020, June 15). The big five personality traits. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/big-five-personality.html